E1
If your picture’s a selfie it looks like you don’t have friends.
E2
Pretty much exactly as awesome as it sounds.
E3
The twirling spaghetti fork pairs exceptionally well with the wine purse.
E4
Shirtless bro pics are always a red herring.
E5
Don’t forget: this will still be a destructive, constantly shitting nightmare.
E6
Everyone knows the pants wiener is inflated by massaging on the private areas.
E7
Don’t worry – it’s so easy, there’s literally no reason not to do it, you entitled piece of sh*t.
E8
The truth is powerful, and it takes constant vigilance to drown out that truth with noise.
E9
A party guest most foul.
E10
Just like the momentary distraction your mom used to make!
E11
When it comes to make-up, less is muhhrrrrrrrg.
E12
Audition? What’s that, some sort of exciting new Ford truck model?
E13
Doing your taxes is easy if you make stuff up.
E14
Legend has it people used to tweet tiny, comical stories, known colloquially as “jokes” or “goofs”.
E15
I told you “Kazaam” was a different movie!
E16
You can’t handle the merch booth.
E17
It’s healthier to cook for yourself! Right?
E18
I’ll have the “corking fee”.
E19
Take that, student loans!
E20
Oh, a problem with my account? Well, prepare for a tantrum that blames you personally.
E21
Dream Phone was SO heteronormative.
E22
He eats lighters.
E23
What’s a couple hours of sleep every night for love?
E24
Boy meets grill.
E25
Why don’t we both get something, and we can share?
E26
Oh, yeah, fit that injured puppy with a lil’ prosthetic leg.
E27
Is this blackmailer’s evidence of you looking fucking hot or committing a crime?
E28
Ok, they’re gay. Now, for a super chill, totally laid-back way to just like CASUALLY hint that you are too or whatever.
E29
New from Chompsky’s: All the shameful self-hatred of eating peanut butter with a spoon, in the convenience of a potato chip!
E30
Sure, it’s a little messy, but there are so many places to ash!